


I have sinned against you whom I should love above all things

by tawny_owl



Category: The Exorcist (TV)
Genre: And a bit of blasphemy too I suppose, Confession, Love confession(s), M/M, Mentions of past homophobia, Two priests in love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-11
Updated: 2017-09-11
Packaged: 2018-12-26 15:49:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,806
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12062154
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tawny_owl/pseuds/tawny_owl
Summary: The mandatory confessional fic because if this fandom doesn’t have one, what’s the point really.





	I have sinned against you whom I should love above all things

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by [this](https://www.instagram.com/p/BYNIULhBHUU/?taken-by=bendanielsss) and I definitely blame Ben Daniels for everything.

"Would you hear my confession?"  
Although asked softly — almost murmured — in the familiar silence of St-Anthony, Marcus' question resonated loudly in Tomas' ears. They'd been moving boxes of papers, altar candles and church books all day, anticipating the church's demolition later this month; arms and backs sore, they were finally taking a short break, leaning shoulder to shoulder against the battered confessional that occupied a corner of the left lateral aisle. The air still ringing with his words, Marcus kept his eyes resolutely down.

"Your... Wait, you want me to confess you?"  
As he had suspected, Tomas' voice was surprised, but there was a hint of softness to his tone that Marcus had not anticipated.

"Well, you're still the resident priest of this parish, are you not?" Marcus couldn't help the teasing inflexion in his voice, neither could he resist glancing at Tomas with a sparkling eye. "Besides, it's not as if I could confess on my own, what with being excommunicated and all", he added nonchalantly.  
"You know full well that nobody can absolve themselves of their own sins, member of the Church or not", huffed Tomas, elbowing him lightly in the arm. "Of course I'll do it, but what's the matter with you anyway? Are you suddenly having regrets about what we've been doing at the Rance's? I know the Vatican officially disapproves, but Father Bennett..."  
"It's not that", Marcus interrupted rather abruptly. Tomas couldn't see clearly in the half-light of the aisle, but Marcus seemed a bit embarrassed and there was definitely a pinkish hue on his cheekbones. "I... I've been... Oh for God’s sake, let's do this properly." and just like that, Marcus was storming into the confessional and kneeling on the hard wooden floor of the left booth. A bit confused, Tomas cleared his throat and followed suit, sneaking inside the middle part of the cramped closet (there was hardly another word for it; the thing was barely larger than his desk in the sacristy). They really needed to wash the curtains properly before dismantling it, he thought to himself after nearly inhaling a vacuum-bag worth of dust on his way in. It was very dark inside and the only light came from the openwork side of the booth, where he could barely make out Marcus' silhouette behind the wooden grid. All of this felt very strange as Tomas kneeled awkwardly, suddenly aware of a tension that wasn’t there the last time he’d confessed someone.

There was a moment of silence while they crossed themselves, then Tomas heard Marcus' voice again, warm and low against the partition. "In the Name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit." Tomas closed his eyes as the locution echoed around him and felt a bit overwhelmed in the dark room, the air suddenly stifling around him. He blamed it on the dust, although he never had any allergic reaction to that before. "May the Lord be in your heart and help you to confess your sins with true sorrow", he responded automatically, his right hand coming to his neck where the immaculate collar was tightly hugging his skin.

"Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. It has been... Christ, I cannot remember when was the last time I actually confessed", Marcus said, letting out a small laugh.  
"Language, Marcus". Tomas tried to add a stern tone to his voice, but a small smile tugged at the corner of his mouth despite his best efforts. "Now, what is it that you wanted to tell me?" he continued softly.  
Marcus shifted behind the wooden panel, his shadow obscuring the light as he came closer to the criss-crossed separation between them. Tomas could see the stubble on his chin and part of his mouth. Close as he was to the wooden panel, he could now feel Marcus’ quick breath on his face and when he glanced through the grid, he was met with blown pupils catching his own dark eyes.

"I will spare you the list of mortal sins I committed recently, you've witnessed most, if not all of them" Marcus said, an impish smirk to his lips. His very close lips. Tomas shook his head and tried to focus. "What I wanted to confess was that these last few months I've... I've had some— intrusive thoughts. Feelings."  
"Feelings?" Tomas asked, a tad out of his depth there. "Marcus, there's nothing wrong with feelings as long as you don't act on the darkest ones, they're part of human nat—"  
"Feelings and thoughts of the carnal kind", Marcus interrupted him. His voice was rough and clipped now, and he sounded determined to let it all out. "I cannot help myself and believe me, I tried. At first I thought I could steel myself and make them go away but it's been weeks now and I can't, I can't—" He stopped suddenly, clearly losing his composure and failing at regaining it, if the sound of his ragged breathing was of any indication.

"Marcus, don't be so hard on yourself." Tomas heard himself trying to be comforting, but his own thoughts were storming inside his head. Marcus usually seemed so... in control of himself, and learning that he was facing the very same temptations that Tomas had been battling during the last few months was somewhat both troubling and reassuring. “This kind of things are inevitable in our profession, and I'm well aware that they can lead to... difficult situations, but you can overcome them, I promise you". He sighed, thinking of his own complicated relationship with Jessica; but he knew he’d made the right decision even if it still hurt a bit. In a way, fighting demons alongside Marcus had been a relief to his sorrows (if one conveniently forgot the unfortunate moment between him and a possessed Casey in the Rance’s attic), and now, he thought with a smile, he wouldn’t go back to his old life for the world. Amazing what an exorcism or two can do to you, isn’t it?

Marcus' voice broke when he answered. "I know that, Tomas, but— at least you— I mean, you were... emotionally compromised with a woman". Emotionally compromised. God, what the fuck was he thinking? He couldn't even bring himself to say "in love". This was pathetic. He carried on nonetheless; if he stopped now, he knew he would never be able to talk about it again.  
“What I’m feeling, I’ve been told that... it’s a shame, a monstrosity. In priesthood, loving women is frowned upon but loving men— You cannot imagine what they did to me when they found out. When Father Sean found out. I was only a teenager, and if the beatings didn’t kill me, the constant humiliation nearly did. That’s when I promised myself I would not let myself love anyone else again. Other than God, of course.” Once started, Marcus didn’t seem able to stop, words pouring out of him as Tomas listened intently, breath catching in his throat at the implications of the awful memories Marcus was recalling. “I thought I’d succeeded for years”, Marcus continued hoarsely, “but then we met and— I mean, everything happened at once and I was too confident and I let my guard down and I— I fell in love all over again.” There. He’d said it. The words left a burning feeling in his mouth, but he felt strangely relieved.

Tomas was quiet in the main booth, still processing what he just heard, and his own feelings that were quickly unravelling in the dusty confessional. How fast he’d trusted Marcus, how intimate they were since the beginning, how much they’d relied on each other for their _lives_. Marcus had implicitely just admitted that he was in love with him and now that he thought about it, he felt stupid for not having connected the dots earlier; he’d been so focused, first on Jessica, then on the Rance exorcism, that he had not realized Marcus was the only fixed point in the storm that had been his life recently.

“I know I should be ashamed, that’s why I wanted to confess, but I just realized I’ve never been this happy, in all my life”, Marcus whispered, a hint of awe in his voice.  
“And I cannot bring myself to think of it as an evil thing.” he added, almost too low for Tomas to hear.

“The gift of love is too precious to be considered a sin, Marcus.” Head resting against the wooden panel, Tomas paused, and swallowed thickly. His heart was hammering in his chest as he leant even closer to Marcus, desperate for a comforting touch despite the damned thing that kept them apart. He tried not to think for whom the touch would be the most comforting; he felt lightheaded enough as it was. “I cannot believe God intended a life without joy for His servants. Without love. Even... Even when I struggled with my feelings for Jessica— it was the fact that she was married that ashamed me, not my feelings for her. I had enough room in my heart for God and for another person and I— I still do." Tomas took a deep breath. "And I don't think God cares much about the gender of the persons we welcome in our heart alongside Him.”

When their fingers finally met through the grid, the simple touch of their fingertips was almost overwhelming. They could almost physically feel relief and pure joy coursing under their skins through this single point of contact and they shared a smile, barely distinguishing each other’s features in the faint light; then Marcus leaned over with a teasing grin and put his mouth to the wooden panel. “Are you not going to ask me who is the lucky fellow for whom I'm risking eternal damnation?” His breath was warm on Tomas lips, and Tomas couldn’t help but laugh at Marcus shameless flirting. This confession was steering dangerously close to actual blasphemy territory, and yet he couldn’t care less about appropriateness at this very minute.  
“I’ve got the feeling I’m about to find out extremely soon”, he whispered in turn, closing his lips on Marcus’ at the same time. 

Their first kiss turned out to involve quite a lot of dust, old wood varnish and a few tiny splinters that left them sputtering for minutes afertwards. It was the best kiss each of them had ever had.

“I feel like we should both say the Act of Contrition, you know”, Tomas quipped once he’d more or less regained his composure and stopped grinning like the lovestruck fool that he was. “Regarding all the actual sins you never confessed for. And all those we’re very probably going to perpetrate in the near future.”

Marcus’ laughter on his left was the best absolution he could ever ask for.


End file.
